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| confession.
Okay, as weird as it may sound, watching John Tucker must Die made me realize something.
Honesty...what is it really? I mean, I always preach that it's something that must be present in anyone I associate myself with, but it's just now that I've realized that I don't even think it's present in me. There is definitely something wrong with that. Maybe we all do it. Maybe it's inevitable because of the fact that we're "human". But really..I'm sure that I can put in a little more effort in being honest with people right?
It's almost midnight on a Sunday night and I've just spent a good two hours watching a movie that I thought would cheer me up and make me giggle (due to the insane hotness of Jesse Metcalfe) but I came out with so much more than that. It made me question what I portray myself to others. I try to give this impression that I'm always the same person that I am no matter who I'm with. Not in terms of jokes, or the way I speak but I mean my morals, my values. But where has that gotten me? I mean, okay I'm one way with my family, another way with co-workers, and another way with school friends. I never wanted any of those worlds to meet. I purposely altered myself to fit in within those surroundings. I'm a certain way when I'm at home, alone and with my family. I'm completely a different person when I'm with my girlfriends talking about the latest gossip. And I'm definitely something else when I'm walking down St. George street talking to my friends after class.
I've realized how....fake I am (for a lack of a better word). Funny how I would announce something so public right? But that's just it. I dont want to hide anything anymore. I want to lay it all out there and if some disagree or don't understand then that's not my fault. At least I've tried right?
Like the title of this blog.."confessions", that's just what I'll do. Some of these will be very general and some of this will be very specific. If you know one applies to you, then you now know the truth:
- deep down I'm a nerd. I like reading textbooks (if im interested). I like random facts about different things.
- I hate the feeling of being proven wrong.
- I'm truly obsessed with the Twilight series and the characters in it. Esp Taylor Lautner.
- I book mark pages that I like in the Twilight series and re-read them in a way that I would act it out if I was in the movie.
- If I record a video for you, I'll watch the video over three times before I actually post it and then watch it twice after I've posted it because I watch the way I speak and act.
- I make a lot of dirty jokes just because I know that it will make people laugh and I know that sometimes I've corssed the line, for that I'm sorry.
- If you tell me something good that happened to you, you know I'm jealous when I just say "no way! that's so awesome!" and change the topic right after.
- If I grew up with you, then there's a good chance that yes I've talked about you behind your back at one point or another.
- For you: Ignore my fb status and don't listen to me when I tell you about realizing things because really I'm just really jealous of where you are right now. I'm doing it for all the wrong reasons and I'm sorry. Just ignore me for now and let me pass this phase.
- For you: I think that you're really gross and so...dumb? Let's just say that you'd be surprised by how much people know about you.
- For you: I'm 100% jealous of you and that's why I act the way I do around you. At times I wish i was in your position when it comes to certain situations because I could never handle them the way you do. But also at times I question your character because for one...I know that you're so much better than that...and two...I'm jealous of you.
- For you: I'm sorry I'm just not looking for that. I don't know how to even come up with words to tell you that but I'll get around to finding those words. Lets just hope I find them soon.
- I'm a girl that never settles with my feelings or thoughts.
- I will change my mind just like that and the thoughts will all be contradicting.
- I'm always in it for the chase. No matter what I tell you, I will ALWAYS be in for the wrong reasons.
- I'm not over it....100%. But I've learned to accept.
- For you: I'm happy that it's at this point. But let's just keep it here. I don't want to try anymore because to be honest I don't care. It's all better now. That's all that matters.
- I will say things that I don't mean and I will convince myself so hard that it's true that when I actually tell you, it seems true.
- I wish my relationship with God is so much stronger.
- I'm scared at this very moment because I feel like it's slipping away.
- I wish I a better daughter, sister, cousin, grand-daughter, and friend.
- For you: I miss you more than you can imagine. I love you so much.
- I don't know how to keep secrets, though I have gotten better.
- I ask about people about their love lives not for the sake of caring about what's going on in their lives but more so for my own personal knowledge.
These are just a few things that I can come up with and there's so much more I want to say but I just can't conjure up words that would make sense. I know that for those that are a part of this blog will eventually figure it out and I'm just crossing my fingers that I don't get in trouble for anything that I've just said. But hey, it's the truth and if you have something to say, then please just let me know.
Man that feels so much better.
Good night. | | |
| It's just a perfect day to blog.
To be honest, for so long I've been wanting to experince what it's like to lose a loved one. Why? I wanted to know what REAL pain was like. I wanted to know what REAL heartbreak felt like. Though I have yet to actually experience it, I feel like it's coming close (as harsh as it may sound). Experiences have showed me that there's bigger things in this world to worry about then the petty little things that I thought would tear my world to shreads. For so long I was convinced everything that I was put through was the hardest thing that only could undergo, but it's clear now that that's so wrong.
When you're in situations like these you analyze the way you treat those around you. Are you saying "i love you" enough? Are you saying it at all? Do you spend every possible moment you have with those that bring out the best in you, or are you wasting it people that just bring out the ugly in you? Are you picking the right battles to fight or once agian are you wasting you're time arguing with those that think they need an explination? Are you being honest with the people around you and potraying the real you regardless of what they will think of you? Are you being you?
What if someone put a time limit of your loved one's life, how would you react? Would you tell them you love them. Spend every possible moment with them. What would you do?
I've asked all these questions and for me, the answeres were not good enough. You start to regret the lack of actions you took prior to that moment. Hoping and praying all that regret would bring things back to the way they were. When in reality, regret it just ONE of the 3892764873264 emotions you'll feel... | | |
| summer nights.
I've never noticed how much I miss summer until I was watching 90210 today and there was this one scence, that was honestly two seconds long, and you can hear the crickets in the still of the night. you know what sound my talking about right? man, I miss the stress free days of summer. instead here I am, about to study for exams that will probably determine my future and it's starting to dawn on me.
I worry about these things because bottom line, I don't want to be a dissapointment, because well, no one likes that. I just want my parents to be proud of me and be able to talk about me with pride in their hearts knowing that they raised me well. but at times, I question that because of all the things that I've done wrong agianst them. I've become so dependant on them that I tend to just take them for granted and even become annoyed or angry at them for not being able to provide for my useless wants. I just want them to look at me and say to each other "we did a fine job..."
why I write this blog? I guess you can say that I'm scared for what tomorrow will bring, or what it wont bring. I was always in such a rush to grow up and be on my own but now that it's starting to become a reality, I want things to slow down. I want to be able to just take everyday in and make the best of it. but yet agian, here I am wasting my time on childish things that mean nothing in the long run. here I am worrying about the boys in my life, when in reality I probably wont even remember any of them when I'm older. here I am just letting everything pass me by...
I want time to just stand still, even just for a moment... | | |
| way to start the year. I told myself already that I wasn't going to waste my time on this. It was new year's resolution to move away from situations that will just make me look like a fool, so here I am. Stepping back, move away, being strong. Here I am finally realizing my worth, and the worth of others that just seem to look past what's going on around them. What I'm asking for is..
no longer hassel me for something you're not doing either.
no longer expect anything for me.
no longer toy with my thoughts.
no longer use me to fill your spare time... It's just not worth it. love,
zharita may. | | |
| here we are once agian. well, it's tradition to make a blog at the end of the year looking back on things that you remember, the things that made this year what it was. so here i am, following traditon =9 but when i start to think about what has happened, i feel like all the yearshave been mixed up and i can't even remember what happened anymore. last year seemed like this year and everything just went by so fast that i don't think i got enough time to let everything settle. time flys when youre having fun right? well, once agian this year was....interesting. to be honest i can't even remember what happened because for the most part, it seemed like deja vu. it's kinda sad that it was like that cause yet again i wasted time doing something that i know i shouldn't be. but like all the other stories of my life, i went through those things for a reason and it made me learn even more things about myself that i didn't know before. i remember thinking through out this year that i was being stupid; putting myself through the same thing i told myself i would never get into agian. HA, like i said it's the story of my life so it was bound to happen. i lost and gained so much this year. i've lost faith in people, i've gained faith in people. i've lost bonds between people. i've lost bonds with others. but with all those loses, i still can't find an ounce of regret within myself. it's the first time that i can HONESTLY say to others and most of all to myself that i have no regrets this year. this is the first time that i can take a step back from everything to look at the bigger picture of things. i can finally see how one event of my life affected another and always see that it affected it for the better. someone recently told me that this wasn't the best year for me and they're right. i can take their word for it because they were there to see my through my worse this year. they were the one to help me back up. but now that i think about it, it wasn't all the bad. actually to me, it's not bad at all. the only reason why i would say that is becasue i learned something amidst all of it, something that i should've learned two years ago. thank you to those who were there for me to pick me up at my lowest.
thank you to those who put up with me all those nights i called you at like 2 in the morning.
thank you to those who made me laugh just to forget my stupidity.
thank you to those who stuck by just for the sake of sticking with me.
thank you to my family...for just being the way you are and for loving me the way i am. most of all..
thank you to God for always being there when the world seems to turn its shoulder on me. i don't know if any of this is making sense to you, but yet you've reached this far to read these very words so clearly it's making some sort of sense =9
what i'm trying to say is...
this year was yet another learning one fore me. but i'm glad that i went through this year. no matter what friendships i've lost, no matter who's respect i've lost, no matter what was the out come of all it, it's a year that i've truly enjoyed becasue at the end of it im happy. yess that's right...i said it.
IM HAPPY WITH THIS YEAR! =9 so i hope youre happy with how this year ended. like the way i've always ended these blogs..
GOOOOD-BYE '08.....HELLLLOOOO 2009!
2009 give me your best shotcause this time....im ready! =) happy new year to everyone! love,
zharita may. | | |
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